FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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