I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
