I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
