another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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