I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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