How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
