Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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