and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize