I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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