My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
