yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
