Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize