Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
