So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
