Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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