i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
