Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just blew my weed a kiss
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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