so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
