I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
