Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
