I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
