Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
