I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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