Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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