i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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