The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
