The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
