we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
