even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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