then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
