Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
