And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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