Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
