This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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