She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
