You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
