note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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