I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
