i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
