I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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