i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My dick has a subreddit
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
