You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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