genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
