you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
