I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
