I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
