If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
