Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's shark week go big or go home
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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