A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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