True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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