She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
