He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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