Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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