Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
