i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
