I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
