my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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