it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
