If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
