I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
