I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
