its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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