What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
