Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
