Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
