i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
