Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
