I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
